Dainty

MY wife and I are always arguing, its always the same fight, and it always ends the same way. She always wins and I always cower. The argument is about which day was our first date and when did either of us decide that we liked the other. The argument really steams form me trying to remember if I was a douche or not. I have been a douche to so many women in the past, its hard for me to remember some times but I like to think that things are different with my wife. I try to think of how Malia deals with guys who are douches nowadays and I just can’t believe that she would have let me of the hook and yet I don’t ever having my soul crushed by her.  

Sometimes malia will come home and say “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone but today...” Some boy at the bank or in line at the grocery store will have stared at her and maybe asked for her number or something and that she had invariably turned them down and not gently she will have given them the “No Im married.” Now I don’t have a problem with her not accepting dates while married to me. What I do have a problem I have is that she just doesn’t have any tact when it comes to this little boys hearts. I use the term “little boys” because malia pretty much always indicates that they look like children incapable of growing beards. Which lets face it is the primary reason we are married to this day. So my wife is going around breaking hearts, and all of the sudden she comes home the other day (and yes my wife is a mega hottie, disagree, I dare you) The other day she comes home and says that she is waiting at a stop light when a boy rolls up in his small penis truck. (when we pass people with lifted trucks malia screams small penis at the top of her lungs, she is precious) So he pulls up, honks his horn checks her out and gives the “how you doin” smirk. 

At this point my dainty wife turns into something very different. She is a mom now so she totally has the power to rip lions in twain, lift cars off of babies and do that bulging neck vain thing. So he honks and my wife smiles signaling for him to roll down his window. Then while still stopped at the light in the lane next to she begins to rake him over the hot coals of, “Do you know how disrespectful that is, besides the fact that I am married, I have a baby who is asleep in the back seat. If your dumb ass had woken him up I would have gotten out of this car and kicked your ass.” He then proceeded to stammer his apologies and proceeded to drive off when the light turned green. Then still in a huff my lovely wife turned the corner to enter the parking lot where she works... At a small church. 

Needless to say my wife is awesome, I often worry that she will shoot someone if given the opportunity; but said opportunity has yet to present itself. Back to our argument, I am obviously sad for these guys whom’s dreams she has so recently crushed because I remember what it was like to be a bachelor. No matter what anyone tells you, asking a girl out is scary. The amount balls it takes to ask out a girl is way more than it takes for a girl to ask out a guy. Guys will get a yes maybe 5 times out of 10 but most decent guys won’t ever ask out 10 girls. Where as girls just have to trick guys they like into asking them out. WE ARE STUPID THAT IS EASY. Lets not forget the momentum killer that is a no. You spend weeks building confidence and talking to your buddies who are not supportive at all and when you finally have enough to ask. Her saying no can set you back for months. 

You are about to be part of a select group of two people who have heard this conversation. As I am bad at quotations I will write it like a movie script. 
To set the scene, I have just driven malia back to her house from some of our friends house after a rainy day spent at the beach were malia wore my wool coat and I wore a cold t-shirt, one that possessed little to no water retardant properties.

Mark: So I guess we should have that talk? Im sorry ______ drove with me, it was good to catch up, but I know that we had said we would talk during the drive.

Malia: Ya no, its totally ok I had a good time in  _______’s car we had a good conversation.

SILENCE

Mark: So I know that I’m not looking for anything casual so if you are thinking that this could just be a fling, or if you know you are leaving. I mean really neither of us know what are plans are for the fall so?

Malia: Well lets be honest, we hangout everyday and most nights Im at your house until 4am while we watch cartoons or documentaries or whatever. I mean really thats called dating.

Mark: Well when you put it that way its really hard to argue with. Then you have to know, I really want to get married and I know that I want to have babies so unless you want to date to see if we can get married this isn’t going to work.

Malia: I completely agree.

Like four months later we were engaged and three months after that we were married. So when I state my case in the argument of was I a gentleman when we were dating, and she always say no “you were a dick”. I retort back that I was nice and I invited her to hangout and go to barnes and noble (a reoccurring location on my places to take girls I like list). I invited her to watch stupid movies and boring documentaries about failed resort towns just north of palm springs. “You were a dick, you were always standoffish and made me feel like you didn’t like me.” Then I bring up the fact that I was the first one to say “That thing people say to each other when thats not like, I feel that for you” it was fourth of July and she had just jumped into the sound off the third story of a friends houseboat. Then there was the proposing with a vending machine ring that I found in my bedroom. The skipping down the isle at our wedding. My sweet beard, have I mentioned my sweet beard! 

No matter how hard or long I protest she is always adamant that I was a jerk, and thus she liked me first because even though I was a jerk she stilled hung out with me. That no matter how cute I was at any stage of our relationship, she was still better, firster, correcter. Now I must divulge that this fight is the kind of fight that you have either form different sides of the bed or from completely different rooms. You don’t need to be near one another because neither of us really have a dog in this fight. I know that she loves me and she knows that I love her. I can admit that I wasn’t super suave at any point ever! And she can admit that she was right. 

Here is the problem, there is this guy “LINK” and as far as I can tell he is totally for serious. I think that this may be a set up, but I prefer to believe that this was totally legit and on the up and up. To be fair, he is rather handsome so this would not work for every guy also she totally has that air or giddy freshman who just got hit on by someone she didn’t attend K-12 with. So while I can blow holes in this all day long I would rather think that it really is all just this easy. My wife is the outlier that will always ruin this idea but it should always be this simple. It shouldn’t involve discomforting glances, whistles, honked horns, or even sending drinks, however I do appreciate that hard rock cafe glass that guy sent my wife awhile back. Men everywhere should take a lesson from this guy, and realize that so long as its not my wife you probably have a chance. Certainly more of a chance than if you honk your horn at a woman with a carseat in the back.