pride, whats it all about.

           pride: a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to ones self or ones position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

It's strange to think of self-esteem and pride in the same sentence. For me pride is bad while self-esteem is a good thing, however when I think about it i can understand how they are one in the same. Morgan freeman has taught us that pride is one of the seven deadly sins (not god Morgan Freeman; Robinhood/Seven Morgan Freeman). Self-esteem is what we tell young girls to have and then teach them that they need to look like a photoshopped version of a supermodel, that a supermodel would kill to look like. Self-esteem is what makes you like yourself, and demand that raise you've been past up for, for years now. It makes you say know when you are uncomfortable with something, demand yes when you know your right. pride is when you demand yes because you think you might be right, and turns out you didn't know what you were talking about and you are devastatingly wrong.
           I have been proud, I have been very proud. I have been proud about so many things that I am so surprised that I haven't exploded. I was thinking... "everybody has babies it cant be that hard"" I will just step up and things will just get done." "malia is there to help me and we are a team this cant be as hard as they tell me." "my parents did it and I want to do better than they did, so I will just will myself to not be tired." Well guess what, Im tired, my back hurts, my neck hurts, Im still just as bad at cleaning the house as before. I cant change a diaper without Rory crying, and every time I put the diaper on it leaks so why bother, he screams at me like I just broke his femur, and no, no matter how hard you look my nipple will never make milk. We don't have insurance after the next 18 days and neither of our jobs are capable of providing it, we don't know if we want to use cloth diapers (its they work when we dont have laundry onsite) or if its better to just spend the money and waste and pollution on regular disposable diapers.

         I have been proud, its day four.... And I have been proud. We have recieved countless offers from complete strangers to help us with anything we need from an ice cream run to diapers to Thomas the train DVD's. I have been proud. yesterday i said "He is my son." and it caught me so off guard i almost couldn't continue. Now i have a better idea of how and what was said when John raised Jesus up from the water and God spoke from heaven. THIS IS MY SON and I love him. I love changing his diapers, a statement that most people I know would faint when they heard me say that. I love looking for insurance, diapers, college funds and the like. I love hearing how loud he is and hope to one day hear his shout and praise the lord to the same volume. My wife and I are a team and since I dont produce milk she does and she wakes up and happily feeds our son every time I ask.
         To those who say God will never give you more than you can handle... punch yourself in the face for me. Could Daniel handle a put full of hungry lions? could Joseph handle a hunting trap laid by his brothers? Noah ? Mary? Goat hair wearing head on a platter John? Christian killing jew loving crucify me upside down Paul? God will and often does give us more than we can handle and forces us to rely on HIM and him alone. I have been proud and I have tried to please God with how well I can be a father and how much I can do without help. I have been proud and God has rebuked me and I have listened and repented. This will not be the last time. but I will listen for him in the storm and the earthquake, and I will hear him in the quiet of the dark.